The Dark Corners of the Mind
by Lorr
Summary: Formerly titled The Return. It takes place immediately after Common Ground, so it is full of spoilers. I added four chapters. Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** The Return

**Author:** Lorr

**Genre/Rating:** Drama/Angst

**Characters:** Sheppard, Weir, Beckett, McKay, Teyla, Ronon

**Disclaimer:** SGA belongs to MGM and others. I'm just visiting

**Spoilers:** Common Ground

**Note:** This is a possible ending for Common Ground, taking place immediately after the episode finishes. Reviews appreciated.

Elizabeth stood at the railing overlooking the Gate Room floor, waiting for the Jumper to come through the event horizon. She'd heard his voice over the comms, and Rodney confirmed John was alright. But, until he was there, in front of her, she wouldn't believe it. She needed to see him before she would believe it was the John Sheppard she knew, not the aged, dying man from the video feed.

The Jumper slid effortlessly through the puddle. As it slowly rotated and began to rise toward the Jumper bay, she saw McKay in the pilot's seat and Teyla sitting next to him. Behind the center console, John smiled and waved at her. Elizabeth smiled back, blinking away the tears of relief that sprang to her eyes. She quickly brushed them away and took a deep breath before turning and walking to the stairs leading down from the bay.

Moments later, John was running down the stairs. He grinned as he approached, but that wavered when he saw her eyes searching his face. There was fear and a little disbelief behind that search. Understanding her need to be sure, he stopped close in front of her, raised an eyebrow and tilted his head a fraction to one side.

"Can you believe it? He looks younger!" McKay butted in before Elizabeth or Sheppard could say anything. He pushed past Teyla, Ronon and a Marine to descend the last few steps.

"Rodney!" Beckett also made his way down to the foot of the stairs. He shook his head as he looked from Sheppard to Elizabeth and back again. "Hard to believe, isn't it?"

"How?" She had been unable to drag her eyes away, but finally glanced at the Doctor.

"I have no idea, but I would love to find out." He shrugged his shoulders then put one hand on the Colonel's back. "Right, lad, to the infirmary."

Sheppard rolled his eyes at Elizabeth. He spoke softly. "And I thought the torture was over."

"I heard that." Beckett shook his head as they left the Ops area, leaving the on-duty personnel there gawking.

Elizabeth held Teyla back a little as McKay and Ronon followed Beckett and Sheppard.

"What happened?" Elizabeth asked as the two of them followed the others.

Teyla shook her head and frowned. "I have never heard of this before. The Wraith said that this kind of thing was reserved only for their closest worshippers and their brothers."

"What happened to him? The Wraith, that is?"

"John insisted on letting him go. We left him on another planet where we knew he would be picked up." Teyla watched Elizabeth out of the corner of her eye as she spoke. "He said they had a deal to help each other escape."

"Excuse me? A deal?" Elizabeth's head was spinning as she tried to think. She watched Sheppard walking in front of her. He glanced over his shoulder and grinned at her.

----------

"Here, get into these. I need to run a few tests." Beckett handed Sheppard a set of scrubs then took the shirt back. Instead, he gave him a hospital robe and pointed to the Colonel's chest. "I need to check that wound."

As Sheppard went behind a screen to change, Beckett turned to Elizabeth, McKay, Teyla and Ronon. "This is going to take a while. You should…"

"No way." McKay shook his head slowly as he sat on a nearby chair. "I want to know what happened. How could he possibly have ended up younger than before?""

Beckett chewed his lip. "Well, you three need to be checked out, anyway. You'll have to go over there."

"What about you?" McKay demanded.

Beckett silently pointed to the other side of the room. Two nurses were setting up examination trays. McKay stood up with a loud groan and walked over to them, followed reluctantly by Teyla and Ronon. Each of them, however, made sure they could see the Colonel when he returned.

Sheppard came out from behind the screen, the loosely tied robe just covering the wound on his chest. He was more subdued now. He knew there were going to be more questions, a couple of which he answered on the Jumper and would have to answer again for Elizabeth.

Beckett noted the discomfort of his patient. He patted the bed. "Lay down."

"Do you want me to leave?" Elizabeth asked. She could see his uneasiness as well.

"No, that's okay." Sheppard said as he settled himself on the bed and loosened the robe. He glanced sideways at Elizabeth as she saw the marks left by the Wraith. She tried, but could not quite hide the horror she felt.

The Doctor tilted a light to examine the wound. He peered at it for a full minute then straightened to look at Sheppard's face. "It's raw, but not bleeding. This looks like it has already partially healed. The Wraith fed three times, didn't he?"

The Colonel shook his head once. "Four."

A chorus of 'what' sounded from across the room. McKay pushed aside his nurse and began to walk over.

Beckett swung around to face Rodney. "That's enough. You three can finish your exams then you can leave."

"I'm sorry, Carson. You're right, of course." Elizabeth nodded. She squeezed Sheppard's forearm. "Come to my office when you're finished?"

Sheppard nodded. "Sure."

----------

Four hours later, he looked up at Elizabeth's office from the Gate Room floor. Beckett had contained his curiosity throughout the prodding and poking. The Doctor confined his questions to medical ones, appropriate for the tests he performed. He was thorough, though. Sheppard thought he knew every test, scan and piece of equipment at the Doctor's disposal, but Beckett had obviously acquired a couple of new toys.

Beckett finally said he could go. He made his way to his quarters to get shower and gather his thoughts. He didn't understand what had happened, so how the hell was he going to explain it to them.

Sheppard pulled the bandage off and looked down at the feeding marks on his chest in the mirror. He could see what caught Beckett's attention. It was not easy to see unless you knew what to look for, but there was evidence of four separate marks. They overlapped, but were visible. He stepped into the shower and thanked the Ancients for the great water pressure and unending hot water. Leaning against the wall, he allowed it to drum on his back.

He was not a religious man by any measure, but as the Wraith had fed, Sheppard felt his soul was being ripped from him, piece by piece. He'd been close to death before, even died and been brought back, but nothing compared to this. He knew which mark belonged to each feeding. They burned in the streaming water. He felt himself slipping into the memory and did not try to stop the quiet sobs that wracked his body.

After what seemed like hours, Sheppard heaved a last shuddering sigh and turned the water off. He checked his watch and swore under his breath. Within three minutes, he was out the door and running down the corridor.

----------

As he approached Elizabeth's office, Sheppard heard Rodney complaining loudly.

"Where is he? Carson, I thought you said you released him more than half an hour ago."

"Col. Sheppard said he was going to his quarters for a few minutes. He's probably cleaning up and composing himself." Beckett responded.

"What? Why would he have to compose himself? That Wraith left him in better shape than he was before!"

"Rodney!" Elizabeth, Teyla and Carson all spoke a t once.

Sheppard entered the office to meet a scrutiny he had rarely experienced. He crossed the room to sit in the only empty chair, one of those against the far wall. He wondered if the spot was arranged. Beckett was in the chair on one side of him and Ronon stood leaning against the wall on the other side.

"Well, what took you so long?" McKay, sitting in a chair opposite Elizabeth's desk, crossed his arms and stared at Sheppard. When the Colonel didn't immediately answer, he went on. "You said the Wraith fed on you four times. Kolya transmitted only three. What happened?"

"Rodney." Elizabeth glared at him then turned back to Sheppard. "Carson says the tests are normal so far. How are you feeling?"

"Fine." He looked at McKay. "I was asleep when the Genii found us in the forest. He woke up first. He'd been shot several times, so I guess he needed more strength to fight them and knew I wouldn't be any help. Breaking out pretty much exhausted me."

"He didn't kill you." Beckett stated flatly.

"No, but he nearly did. If he'd kept feeding for another two or three seconds, I'd be dead." Sheppard licked his lips. "He had unbelievable control."

"How did he give life back to…?" McKay pressed when Sheppard fell silent once more.

"Rodney!" Teyla elbowed him.

"I don't know what he did. I thought he was going to finish it. I wanted him to. Instead, he…fed me."

"But, how?" McKay persisted to the exasperation, and secret gratitude, of the others. They were just as anxious to know.

"I don't know, Rodney." Sheppard raised both hands. "One minute I was dying and the next Ronon was pulling the Wraith off me."

"Was it painful?" Beckett asked, trying to understand the process.

"Yeah, almost as much as when he was feeding off me." Sheppard's hand came up to touch his chest, but he stopped and crossed his arms instead.

"But, you look younger than you did yesterday. How could he do that?" McKay was not in the mood to be put off. He looked at Beckett. "Why did he do it?"

"I guess it was because I convinced him we could escape." Sheppard frowned at the floor, his thoughts going in a different direction. "I always thought of the Wraith as mindless feeding machines before, kind of like sharks."

"Sharks?" Ronon asked.

McKay replied before Sheppard could. "Sharks are huge, vicious fish on Earth. They know only one thing, how to kill."

"Well, that sounds like the Wraith." Ronon shrugged.

"He said there was a lot I didn't know about the Wraith. Talking to him in the cells kind of makes me believe there is a lot more to them than we know." Sheppard was not looking at anyone. He was aware that their reaction to that statement would elicit alarm, just as it has done in himself. "He was happy to see the stars."

"Are you crazy?" McKay had no trouble voicing his concern for Sheppard's sanity. "The Wraith are sharks. Cannibals, too. You remember that one on the planet near the space weapon on the other side of this system, don't you? He fed on his crew."

"There are different…classes, for want of a better word, of Wraith, Rodney. That one was a soldier, a grunt. Besides, that ship had been trapped there for thousands of years. This Wraith is a commander, more…educated." He realized they were all staring at him. "I'm just saying that before, I thought of them as two dimensional killing machines, nothing more. They aren't. That may be part of the reason why the Ancients underestimated them."

They sat in silence for several seconds.

McKay suddenly frowned. "Maybe, but how did he do it? Give you hack your life, I mean."

Sheppard exhaled heavily. "Rodney, I don't know."

----------

Sheppard gratefully lay on his bed. He was tired. It was emotional and mental weariness more than physical. The questions and speculation had gone on for well over an hour. Beckett offered a sleep aid, which he promptly refused. He did accept a couple of pain relievers for a headache, though. He escaped as soon as he could, not noticing the concern in the eyes of his friends as he left them.

He hoped blocking out the day's events would not prove to be difficult, but sleep came more easily and quickly than expected. In mere minutes, the world and the day slipped away in the darkness. Sheppard's breathing soon slowed into its normal rhythm.

----------

It was mid-morning, but the mist made seeing anything beyond a dozen feet away hard, no, impossible. Sheppard didn't like being here, but intel had been that the ruins strewn for almost half a mile round the Gate might indicate the location of a ZPM. McKay and a couple of specialists were busy arguing about the significance of the Ancient symbols on one particular crumbling wall.

Sheppard chuckled as he glanced at the life signs detector and moved around the ruins. Two of the Marines with the team today also carried the sensors, so he was confident they were able to keep tabs on the entire area. A dark, massive piece of ruin formed out of the mist as he continued his patrol. It was another wall, but larger than all of the others so far. He paused to look it over and wondered if McKay had seen it yet. Sheppard had limited knowledge of Ancient, but some of the writings appeared to be important.

He thought he would tell McKay about it when the now heated argument subsided, and moved to skirt around the wall, scanning the symbols on it as he walked. Then, a soft rustling noise caught his attention. He glanced at the sensor and saw no-one near him. Frowning, Sheppard turned to check it out.

He was slammed back against the ruin by a Wraith, its hand on his chest. Sheppard could do nothing as the searing agony paralyzed him. He looked at the face of the being that was taking his life. It was him.

"You said all bets were off." The Wraith hissed in his ear.

Sheppard found his voice and screamed.

He sat bolt upright, the scream dying on his lips. He was shaking and a sheen of cold sweat covered his body. His breathing came in ragged gulps as he looked around. He was in his quarters, in bed. Light from the City and the stars coming through the curtains bathed the room in a soft glow. He curled his legs up and leaned on outstretched arms, trying to control the shaking and slow the rapid, painful breaths. The lights came up just long enough for him to see he was quite alone.

"Way to go, John." He muttered as he glanced at the clock on his desk. He'd been in bed only fifteen minutes.

Finally, he pushed himself off the bed and opened the curtain to look outside. The whiteness of the bandage on his chest was bright enough to see. He pulled it off and looked at the telltale wound. It was black in the dim light.

Nightmares were not unexpected. There were many things in his past that brought the vicious little reminders of life's events sneaking into his nights. He knew it had been a hopeless wish that this would not join the others. He knew he was in for many nightmares before they would subside.

Sheppard closed the curtain and lay back on the bed. It was a long time before he closed his eyes again.


	2. Chapter 2

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He didn't sleep again until the small hours of the morning, and then it was restless. When Sheppard finally rolled over and sat up, he felt like he'd been hit by…a Wraith. Was it real? Or, was that whole thing a long, demented nightmare? He closed his eyes, not wanting to look at his chest, but his right hand reached up, fingertips carefully touching his chest. Not a nightmare, well, not just a nightmare.

He looked down. There was plenty of light coming through the windows. The sun was barely over the horizon, but the clean ocean air and cloudless sky did not hinder its glow. The marks were right where they had been last night, and the area was still tender from the harsh treatment it had received.

"Crap." The Colonel said heavily. He stood up and walked into the bathroom.

His whole body vaguely ached. The Wraith might have given him…wait a minute. Sheppard stood in front the mirror and searched the image staring back at him. It was the same face that was there every day. Maybe today the strain and lack of sleep showed, but otherwise he could see no difference. Except in the eyes. There was a difference in the eyes. He quickly pealed off his clothes and stepped into the shower. The water blasted out hot and fast but it could not erase the events of the previous day.

The whole day now had a surreal quality. The swirling, confusing emotions surfaced only after the examination in the infirmary when he had time to stop and think. He had been able to clamp down on them tightly enough to get through the 'discussion' afterwards and keep it there until now. He fought to remain calm and breathe normally. He wondered how long he could keep the lid on.

"Stop it, John." Sheppard hit the wall with the side of his fist, barely registering the pain caused by the impact. "You're alive and no worse for wear. Well, apart from getting fed on by a…damn it. Don't go all Rodney on me."

He turned off the shower forced himself to go through the normal motions until he got to shaving. As much as he needed it, the sight of a quivering mound of shaving cream on shaking fingers made him think better of that particular chore. It would be really stupid to survive yesterday only to cut his own throat. He washed the white foam down the sink.

Sheppard began to dress. Tight lipped, he opened three drawers before going back to the first and pulling out a standard issue black T-shirt. He quickly checked the mirror to see if it completely covered the marks left by the Wraith. After looping the comm earpiece on, he turned to the door, stopped and closed his eyes for several seconds. Screw the lid on tight. Take two deep breaths. The door opened and Col. Sheppard walked out into the corridor with the appearance that it was any other day.

----------

"Sheppard." Ronon's deep voice rumbled at him.

"Hey, what's up?" Sheppard replied as he forced a mildly surprised expression on his face. The hope of a few minutes of just nodding at passers-by before having to actually interact with anyone disappeared. "Been here long? You should have knocked."

Ronon's eyes narrowed, but his passive expression didn't otherwise change. They began to walk down the corridor. He lied. "Just got here. Wanted to see if you were going for a run."

"Sorry, Beckett wants me to take it easy for a few days. Anyway, I have to go see him in a little while. I was just going to get something to eat."

"Okay. Mind if I join you?" Ronon walked lazily beside him.

"No, not at all." Sheppard glanced at him. Ronon turning up at his doorstep for an early morning run was not unheard of, but he was suspicious about today's appearance. They normally made arrangements the day before.

Once they arrived at the mess, Sheppard regretted the decision to try to eat. He wasn't actually hungry, but realized it had been almost twenty-four hours since his last meal. Now, he didn't even want coffee. Ronon walked towards the counter. He reluctantly followed and picked out an apple and a bottle of water. Ronon eyed him but said nothing.

----------

"You rang?" Sheppard said as he walked into Beckett's office.

Beckett looked up from the datapad he was reading. The shock of seeing Sheppard young still struck him. He smiled a little too broadly. "Col. Sheppard, how are you doing this morning?"

"Bit of a headache, but I'm good." Sheppard seemed distracted. His eyes roamed restlessly around the room.

Beckett studied his face for a long moment. The face was young, but the strain of the torture Sheppard endured and a certain weariness was evident today. "And, I'm my Aunt Gertrude."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Did you get any sleep?" Beckett picked up a data pad and turned it on.

"Yeah." Sheppard looked around. "You said you wanted to see me this morning."

"Yes, yes, of course. I just want to draw more blood and give you a quick look over." Beckett pointed to an exam table. "Just hop up there, please. It won't take long."

Sheppard did as he was told, wanting to get the exam over with and get out of there. Beckett decided to draw the blood first. Sheppard sat quietly as the Doctor expertly and swiftly drew three small vials. Beckett withdrew the needle, swabbed the puncture mark with alcohol and taped a small cotton ball over it. Beckett strapped the cuff of the sphygmomanometer on his arm and began to pump up the pressure.

"Have you had something to eat yet today?"

"Yeah, I just came from the mess." Sheppard was noncommittal.

"Good. Now, just relax for a moment." The Doctor put the stethoscope earpieces in his ears and slowly released the pressure on the cuff. Without a word, he slipped the cuff off Sheppard's arm and picked up the data pad to enter the figures. He stared at the pad for several seconds.

"Finished?" Sheppard's voice startled Beckett.

"Not quite. I want to listen to your heart and lungs, and examine the wound."

He put the pad down and the stethoscope on again. Sheppard silently pulled his shirt off as the Doctor warmed the diaphragm on the palm of his hand. Beckett noted the lack of response he would have normally expected. He also sensed an uncharacteristic tension in the Colonel's whole being. He quickly listened to the Sheppard's lungs and heart, then pulled the earpieces out and slung the stethoscope around his neck.

Sheppard licked his lips and looked away as Beckett examined the feeding marks on his chest. He saw the Colonel's breathing quicken for a couple of breaths then slow again. Sheppard was fighting to seem his normal self. The Doctor straightened and gave his patient his best bedside smile.

"You can put your shirt back on. Thank you." Beckett picked up the data pad again and quickly jotted down a few notes, watching Sheppard out of the corner of his eye. He smiled again. "We don't have all the test results from yesterday back yet, but, so far, everything looks okay."

Sheppard slid off the exam table. "Thanks, Doc. Anything else?"

Beckett frowned and shook his head. "No, not for now. I won't have the remaining test results until later. Come back this afternoon, say about four. And, remember I want you to take it easy until further notice. Okay?"

"Sure." The Colonel nodded and began to walk away. To Beckett's surprise, he stopped and came back.

"What is it, John?" Beckett prompted when Sheppard hesitated, eyes downcast.

Sheppard looked up at the Doctor. He was trying to hide something, but could not quite manage it. "Nothing. Thanks."

Before Beckett could say anything, he turned and left.

---------

Beckett stood behind one of the chairs in Elizabeth's office, a datapad under one arm. She sat behind her desk, but McKay paced around the room with his own datapad nestled in his arms. He looked up from it only often enough to stop himself from walking into Beckett or the furniture.

"I am just saying that I am a little concerned." The Doctor turned to watch McKay.

At that moment, Ronon and Teyla appeared in the doorway.

"Excuse me." Teyla looked at Beckett and McKay then at Elizabeth. "I, we, did not realize you were busy."

"What is it, Teyla?" Elizabeth asked. "Come in."

She glanced up at Ronon as they entered. "We were looking for Col. Sheppard. Have you seen him?"

Beckett turned. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Ronon answered quickly.

"We just want to make sure he is…alright." Teyla smiled evasively. "It was a difficult day for him yesterday."

Elizabeth sighed. "We were just talking about him."

"Is something wrong?" Teyla looked at Beckett.

"I don't have all the test results, but there is nothing to indicate any long term effects so far. It's just that he seemed…pre-occupied." Beckett rushed on. "Not that it would be unexpected. I am just a little worried, that's all."

Elizabeth turned to the young Athosian. "Teyla, has something happened to make you ask?"

"Nothing in particular. We were just concerned as well." She glanced up at Ronon and nodded.

"Sheppard wasn't himself this morning. I went to the mess hall with him for breakfast, but he didn't eat anything. He just said he wasn't hungry." Ronon was obviously uncomfortable talking about his friend.

"Great." McKay began to pace again. Glancing at the datapad every few seconds.

"What?" Beckett asked.

"You heard him last night. He was acting weird." McKay glanced up from the datapad.

Beckett glared at him. "If you had just spent the day being fed on by a Wraith, I doubt you'd be acting as if everything was normal."

"But, the Wraith reversed the effects." McKay dropped into a chair, still watching the datapad.

"Excuse me." Beckett tapped his transceiver. "Beckett here…Right, thanks."

He tapped the transceiver again and studied the datapad he carried in. It displayed Sheppard's case file.

"What is it?" Elizabeth leaned forward.

"Well, we all know the Wraith inject an enzyme into humans while they feed." Beckett took a deep breath before he continued. This was painful for all of them. "We also know the Wraith fed on Col. Sheppard a fourth time, bringing him very close to death. Understandably, he had a significant amount of the enzyme in his system."

"Oh, great! Are saying that Sheppard's addicted to the enzyme now? Is he going to do a Ford?" McKay interrupted.

"No, Rodney. Let me finish." Beckett shook his head in annoyance. "I drew more blood earlier this morning. The enzyme level is lower, not as much as I would like, but there is something else."

"What?" Ronon stared at the Doctor.

"There is another substance in his system that wasn't there the last time we did a full workup. It's something I've never seen before." Beckett looked around at everyone then back down at his datapad. 'I believe it was injected when the Wraith fed him."

Beckett emphasized the last three words, drilling it into his audience. He let them digest what he said for a moment as he read the information again.

McKay spoke first. "Do you know what it is?"

Beckett bit his lip before responding. "We're still running tests, but it looks like it's a complex protein."

"So, you don't know whether it's harmful or not." McKay said flatly. He still watched his datapad with great interest. Occasionally, he tapped the controls.

"No, Rodney, I don't." Beckett replied.

Elizabeth frowned. "I thought the Wraith said he was giving John back his life in repayment of his getting him out of the prison."

"He is Wraith. Anything is possible." Teyla said simply.

"Yeah." Ronon agreed.

Beckett shook his head. "I doubt the Wraith even knew there might be a problem. It's unlikely they often feed on a human only to turn around and give them back the life they took. This may be a first."

McKay glanced up. "Well, when will you know?"

Elizabeth frowned became suspicious. "Rodney, what are you doing?"

McKay hunched over the pad as if he was trying to protect it. "Uh, nothing. Just working on…"

"Rodney?" Her voice was menacing.

"I've been tracking Sheppard using his sub-Q transmitter." He turned the datapad for them to see. "For his…own…good."

"Stop it. Turn it off." Elizabeth demanded.

"Wait." Beckett compressed his lips, unwilling to ask but needing to know. "Where has he been?"

"Ah-ha! See, you're worried, too!" McKay felt vindicated. He looked at the datapad again. "After he left the infirmary, he went to his quarters for a few minutes. Then, he was with Dr. Heightmeyer for an hour. After that, he went back to his quarters. Now it looks like he's running out on the east pier."

Beckett shook his head in exasperation. "That's it! I want him in the infirmary. I told him last night, and this morning, that I would release him only if he took it easy for a few days."

Elizabeth tapped her comm. "Col. Sheppard, this is Weir."

They waited a minute, but there was no answer. She looked at Ronon. "Would you mind?"

Ronon nodded and looked at McKay. "Where, exactly?"

The astrophysicist studied the screen. "He's right out at the end, but on his way back, on the north side."

"I will go with Ronon." Teyla began to follow him out.

McKay moved to get up. "Me, too."

Teyla paused. "No, Rodney. You should stay here and guide us if necessary. John is a fast runner and it will take us some time to get to him."

----------

Sheppard normally enjoyed running. It allowed him to empty his mind and process things. The endorphins generated by the exercise didn't hurt either. Today, Sheppard didn't run for the high induced by endorphins, not consciously anyway. He was running to try to clear his mind. It was hard to think. Stuff kept crowding in, spilling into his consciousness. And, his head hurt. He just wanted to leave everything and everyone behind for a little while. The few short hours of human contact this morning was too much in his frame of mind.

He stopped dead. Human contact. Heightmeyer would love that little phrase, the reaction to it, and the fact that it caused a reaction at all. Sheppard chuckled without humor. He started to walk to the edge of the pier.

He mentally ran through the meeting with Kate. It was more than slightly stilted, which she smoothly said was to be expected. They shined over the surface, with him just talking about the facts of the day. She was warm and encouraging and supportive, but, thankfully, didn't probe beyond what he was willing to give. Even though he would have to see her again, she was beginning to understand how deep he would go, but also seemed to accept that it was deep enough.

The sweat sticking his t-shirt to his torso cooled in the light breeze, making him shiver.

----------

_He shivered in the icy cold cockpit of his helicopter, waiting for Mitch and Dex to touch down. They were going to pick up a couple of wounded Marines. Sheppard was about two hundred yard out, his crew searching the area for signs of the insurgents' positions. He would pick up a second load after the others lifted off._

"_Come on, guys. We're freezing our asses off here." Sheppard swore under his breath. Hanging around in mid-winter at six thousand feet with small arms fire pinging off the fuselage was not fun. To top it off a gusting wind made it difficult to keep his chopper under control. "Mitch, did you forget how to park that thing? Get the lead…"_

_He barely saw the RPG's flash and the snake of thin smoke before the helicopter below him exploded._

-----------

The sound of pounding footsteps approaching didn't even register.

----------

"Colonel, I told you to take it easy." Beckett put on his sternest expression. He glared at Sheppard. "I let you out of here on the provision you would not do anything strenuous. We still don't know what the effects…"

"I'm fine. I just thought the fresh air would do me some good." Sheppard exhaled heavily as he settled himself on the exam table again. "I don't consider going for a quick run strenuous."

"Well, it is. And that was not a quick run." Beckett studied him closely, concern replacing the anger he felt. "Still have a headache?"

Sheppard lied. "It's not bad."

"Right. Anything else?" Beckett spoke softly as he flicked the penlight across his patient's eyes. Sheppard flinched with each pass of the light.

"Just a little tired. It was kind of a busy day yesterday." His attempt at an off-handed delivery was not quite right.

He sat quietly as the Doctor completed the basic vitals. Finally, Beckett laid his stethoscope on a nearby tray and picked up the datapad to enter the readings. He frequently glanced at his patient. Sheppard had abruptly become distracted to the point of not reacting to his surroundings. Beckett had the distinct impression there was more than a headache going on. He put his hand on Sheppard's arm.

Sheppard's eyes slowly focused on him. There was something in them Beckett could not quite identify. There was confusion, pain, and something else.

"Can I go now?"

"No, you are going to be a guest here for a day or two." The Doctor folded his arms over his chest to reinforce his order. After a moment, he softened. "John, we've found something in your blood tests."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow.

"I believe the Wraith injected a substance into your system when he…gave…you back your life. Something that enables the process. It looks like it's a protein and the feeding enzyme is metabolizing it. He probably didn't realize…"

"Yeah."

"Well, until we know more about the effects, I want to keep you for observation." Beckett nodded towards a doorway. "There's a set of scrubs on the bed in there for you."

----------

Elizabeth walked into Beckett's small office and sat in the single guest chair. "Anything?"

The Doctor stifled a yawn. It was late. He shook his head. "No, not yet. We've isolated more of the protein, but we know little about it so far. This could take a while."

"What about John? How is he doing?" She glanced through the door even though he was not visible from where she sat.

"I think this is making it hard for him to concentrate and the disorientation is scaring him. I also believe he has a migraine." Beckett paused.

"What's causing it?" Elizabeth prompted him.

"The enzyme's action on the protein is producing a substance that seems to be affecting John's brain chemistry."

"How? In what way?"

"We're trying to determine how, but the electrical activity in his brain has changed somewhat." Beckett tapped the data pad and read the screen.

Elizabeth was growing more alarmed. "What does it mean?"

"We know so little about the brain and how it functions. As I mentioned, John is having difficulty concentrating. He seems to lose track of what was going on around him. He isn't losing consciousness or having seizures as far as I can tell." He exhaled heavily and tried to find the right words. "I have him hooked up to an EEG. We may be able to learn more about what's happening."

"Did going for a run this morning make any difference?" Elizabeth knew she was grasping straws, but asked anyway.

Beckett shook his head. "I don't think so. The action of the enzyme on the protein would probably happen at the same rate no matter what."

"Is there anything we can do?" She was trying to stay calm. They had lost John Sheppard and gotten him back. Was it only to lose him to an accident resulting from a gift of life from the same Wraith that almost killed him?

"We're continuing to run tests, but to be honest, I don't think so." He looked at the pad. "Tests indicate that there would be an adverse reaction to the Earth based drugs we've tried so far. There is still more free protein and enzyme in his system, too. And, I don't know how long it will take to work out of his body."

Elizabeth bit her lip and thought for a long moment. "Can I see him?"

"For a few minutes. I want him to get some rest, but the distraction might do him good."

----------

"_McMurdo in winter isn't such a bad place. Well, at least not once you've gotten used to the cold, and the wind, and the lack of sunlight or anything green, and the food, and the fact that there is absolutely no surfing." Sheppard glanced at the young lieutenant sitting off to one side of the round the table then raised an eyebrow at the man on his right. "Are you going to bet, Barrows, or just sit there all day?"_

_Barrows smirked as he looked over at the pair of sevens, ace and jack showing in front of Sheppard. He was a thin, weedy man, with thin, stringy hair even though only in his early thirties. He checked his three face-down cards, considered his own face-up ten and four of clubs and six and three of hearts. He tossed two red poker chips onto the pile at the center of the table. He looked at the three other men at the table. "See your ten and raise you ten." _

"_When are you going to learn, Barrows?" A man in his fifties sitting on the opposite side of the table asked dryly. He looked at Sheppard. "Does that mean you haven't fallen in love with our little frozen paradise, Major?"_

"_Yes, I have, Dr. Hobbs. What would make you think I haven't?" He gave the older man a mock frown then nodded towards the young man. "I just want Lt. Wilkins to understand what he's volunteered for."_

"_He's bluffing." Barrows frowned at his cards then Sheppard. Hoping for support, he looked around the table again. Hobbs said nothing, and the other two men avoided his gaze._

"_Of course I am." Sheppard's expression was serious as he matched Barrows' raise. He looked over at Barrows' cards, picked up a blue chip and tossed it onto the pile. "And, I raise you twenty-five."_

_Hobbs folded and leaned back in his chair. The man on his left also threw his cards in._

_They watched Barrows expectantly. He was now unsure of his position. He tried to act nonchalantly as he checked his face down cards again then glanced at Sheppard. The Major briefly cocked his head to one side and grinned._

_Barrows stared at his cards until Hobbs cleared his throat. He groaned and flipped his cards down. "Fold."_

"_Thank you!" Sheppard turned his own cards face down and raked in the pot._

"_Well, kids, it's been fun. I have to go do some work now." Hobbs stood up. "John?"_

"_Right." Sheppard stood up. As he walked away, he pointed to the pile of chips in front of his chair. "Two-sixty-five, Gentlemen."_

"_Sir." Wilkins stood, too._

"_Wait! You can't leave yet! Give me a chance to…Look, I told you! He was bluffing!" Barrows' rising voice followed them as Sheppard and Hobbs walked down the corridor._

"_What did you have?" Hobbs was suspicious._

"_Two pair, sevens and jacks."_

_Hobbs prompted the Major. "And, what did he have?"_

"_Ace high flush. Clubs."_

"_Counting cards is not playing nice, John." Hobbs looked sideways at him, not even trying to suppress a chuckle._

"_I don't do it on purpose."_

"_And, you really shouldn't show him up like that, either." The scientist exhaled loudly. "I know Barrows is an insufferable ass, but he is also my best physicist."_

"_Aw, I just like messing with his head." Sheppard said without any hostility._

_Hobbs glanced sideways at him. "John."_

_Sheppard grinned. "Don't worry, I'll take it easy on him."_

"_Thank you. I am most grateful."_

"_You're welcome. Now, you need to go somewhere?"_

_----------_


	3. Chapter 3

Elizabeth stood in the doorway leading to a more isolated part of the infirmary. It wasn't isolated in that it was far away. It was just a little more private, a smaller space near Beckett's office. He didn't want prying eyes peeking in at the Colonel. The whole base knew what happened and there was a lot of curiosity and whispering. He didn't want it interfering with his patient's recovery.

The bed head was raised to about sixty degrees. She watched for several seconds. His face was relaxed, but he stared blankly at his PDA. He suddenly frowned, turned the PDA off and dropped it on the bedside cabinet. He closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck with both hands, wincing when the IV line on his right hand pulled tight. Elizabeth waited until he dropped his arms before she entered. She saw several leads trailing from the scrubs top to the cardiac monitor, and electrodes were pressed in various places on his head.

"Hey! Feel up to a visitor?" The carefully practiced smile of the experienced treaty negotiator appeared.

He stared at her without recognition for a moment before smiling. She saw his left hand slowly grip the rail of the bed. "Sure. What's up?"

"Just stopped by to say hello." Elizabeth pulled over a chair and sat next to his bed. When he didn't say anything, she continued. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Sheppard glanced away then looked at her again.

"I'm sure Carson will figure this out quickly." She put on what she hoped was an encouraging smile. "It's probably nothing serious."

He closed his eyes and shook his head, obviously not convinced.

"I…I'm sorry." She was disappointed. "I know I need to work on my bedside manner."

"It's okay." He chuckled.

"John, they are working on it." Her voice was now very earnest.

"I know." He stared at her for a moment again before saying more. "I'm sorry you had to see it."

"John." Elizabeth was taken aback. This was completely unexpected. She laid her hand on his. He tensed but did not move. "I could have traded Ladon for you before the first feeding. I could have stopped it before it started."

"Kolya always intended to kill me, Elizabeth. He said it isn't personal, but it is." He looked at her hand without seeing it and swallowed hard. "Kolya wants both Ladon and me dead. Maybe how fast I died depended on what you did. But, he was going to kill me. Don't doubt it."

"How could he? We wouldn't have handed over Ladon unless you were alive." She went cold at the thought that followed her assertion.

"He probably would have let the Wraith feed until I was almost dead." He frowned and absentmindedly touched his chest. He seemed to drift away for a few seconds then remembered she was there. "Look, we have half a chance that Ladon will turn out to be a reliable ally. Kolya would have been as bad, if not worse, than Cowen."

"John, I came here to apologize to you, not the other way around."

"Elizabeth, you don't have anything to apologize for. You did the right thing. It was the only thing you could do."

She couldn't forgive herself as easily. "John, I'm not…"

----------

_A door opened over his left shoulder. Sheppard turned his head to look._

What the hell? Oh, God, no. A Wraith, not a Wraith. Think, John. Think.

"_Oh, my God." Her voice was barely audible over the speaker._

---------

Sheppard suddenly grabbed the other bed rail with his right hand and pushed himself into the mattress. He began to shake from the tension in every muscle of his body.

"Carson!" Elizabeth stood up. She was afraid to touch him. "John? Can you hear me?"

His back arched and eyes closed tightly. His breaths were deep and each one shuddered with the effort to control them. A cold sweat appeared on skin. The cardiac monitor beeped in alarm.

----------

"What was that?" McKay asked everyone and no-one in particular. "Did the lights just flicker?"

The three technicians shrugged and looked around. The bravest of them responded.

"Yes, Dr. McKay. Don't know why though."

McKay scowled at him. "Well, shouldn't you find out?"

"Yes, Sir." The young man nodded vigorously and hurried out the door. The others followed when they saw their boss eyeing them, too.

----------

"What happened?" Beckett rushed into the room. He looked at Sheppard then glanced at the monitor. It showed his heart rate was climbing fast.

"I don't know. We were talking and he…" She watched helplessly, just like she did when the Wraith was feeding.

Beckett was looking from Sheppard to the monitor and back. He spoke quietly, but firmly. "Colonel, can you hear me? John?"

Sheppard's straining muscles suddenly began to relax. Beckett and Elizabeth waited anxiously as his breathing and heart rate returned to normal. After a minute or two, Sheppard released the bed rails and looked around. When he saw them, he put his hands over his face.

He hissed through clenched teeth. "Dammit."

Beckett gently rested his hand on his patient's shoulder. Sheppard flinched at the touch then blinked at the Doctor. His eyes didn't seem to be focusing well.

"John, are you okay?" Elizabeth looked closely at him then at Beckett.

"Yeah. Yeah. I think so." Sheppard answered hoarsely. "What the hell is going on?"

"What do you mean?" Beckett pulled his stethoscope out of his lab coat pocket, but took his eyes off his patient only long enough to check the monitor.

Sheppard rubbed his face with his hands then looked at Beckett and Elizabeth. He exhaled heavily and shook his head. He was struggling to regain control. "For a moment, I thought I was back..."

"Back where?" She asked.

He shook his head. "Never mind. It was nothing."

"Just breathe for me." Beckett put on the stethoscope and listened to Sheppard's heart and lungs. After taking it off again, he peered closely at the Colonel. "What was it?"

He looked frightened. "You need to scan me for nanties."

Beckett was startled. "Nanites?"

"Yeah. Something's wrong." Sheppard was looking down at his hands. "I keep seeing things. Well, not only seeing them, but hearing them and everything."

"What kind of things?"

"I'm not sure. I…things from my past. At least, it seems like…they're so real. It's like I'm reliving stuff all over again. What if it's the nanites causing it? How do I know any of it is real?"

Elizabeth and Beckett exchanged alarmed glances.

"Listen to me, John." Becket put his hand on his shoulder. "We did two thorough scans after you went into Elizabeth's isolation tent. I did another one yesterday. There are no nanites in your system. None."

Sheppard took a deep breath and raised his eyes to meet the Doctor's. "You're sure?"

"I am one hundred percent sure. Okay?" Beckett replied.

"Then, what the hell is going on in my head?"

Elizabeth stood quietly throughout the exchange. Mention of the nanites sent chills up her spine. She could see Sheppard was desperately trying to focus on Beckett.

Beckett glanced up at her before answering. "Remember I told you that the Wraith must have injected a protein into you when he restored you? The affect of the chemical produced by the reaction between it and the enzyme might be causing you to have hallucinations."

"They don't feel like hallucinations, Carson. They're more like memories. I felt like I was there again, in Kolya's prison. Everything was the same, the sound, the smell, everything. It isn't the first time today that it's happened. It's like I'm reliving events from my past, down to the tiniest detail."

Sheppard's left fingertips pressed his temple. His hand suddenly stopped moving. His face registered alarm. He looked from Beckett to Elizabeth. "What if they are hallucinations? Is any of this real?"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Beckett grabbed his shoulder. "John, you are not hallucinating."

Sheppard snorted skeptically. "How do I know you're not part of it?"

"Well, we're not. I'm sure I'd know if I was a figment of your imagination." Beckett replied dryly.

"Then, why am I suddenly going into time warps?"

Beckett chewed his lip for a moment. ""It may be this substance is acting on the areas of the brain that process and store memories. You said you're experiencing them as if you're there, right?"

Sheppard nodded. He was still breathing as if he had been running hard and the monitor showed his pulse rate was nearer to normal but remained elevated.

"So real, I can taste them." He thought of the acid taste in his mouth after the Wraith fed and was there now.

"Okay, then it seems that this chemical is disrupting the brain's ability to keep that information contained. It's…it's…" Beckett searched for the right words. "To put it very, very simply, it may be acting like a potent truth serum. Only this one is letting your life spill out without asking for it. I still don't have all the test results, but this will give us a direction."

"You can just knock me out for a while, can't you? I mean, until this stuff is out of my system." Sheppard looked hopefully at the Doctor, who hesitated. His eyes narrowed.

Beckett shook his head. "We're working on it, but, to be honest, I don't think so. I have no idea how the chemical being released into your system might interact with our drugs. Preliminary tests indicate that it could be very dangerous to administer even the mildest of sedatives. John, I'm sorry."

Sheppard looked away and thought for several seconds. His hands were almost convulsively grabbing at the blanket. He looked back at Beckett. "Okay. How much of this stuff is in me? How long will it last?"

"I don't know, Son. Your body is breaking down the substance slowly so it could be a couple of days." Beckett glanced at Elizabeth again. It was difficult to watch his friend's distress. "I should know more in a little while. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Carson." Sheppard nodded then closed his eyes. His hands found the bedrails again and clutched them tightly. They could see he was deeply shaken.

Beckett looked at Elizabeth and indicated the door. He had to clear his throat to speak. "I want you to rest for a few minutes. I'll be right back."

----------

"Memories? How can this be affecting his memories like that?" Elizabeth asked when they got back to Beckett's office.

"This is not my specialty, Elizabeth, but as with much to do with the brain, we know little about how memory works. It was long thought that memory was stored in a particular area of the brain. That theory has changed in recent years. It is now believed that many areas of the brain are involved in both long and short term memory." Beckett laid the data pad on his desk. "This substance is somehow interfering with it. I just don't know enough about what's happening yet."

She looked back at the door. "So, there's nothing you can do?"

Beckett compressed his lips and slowly shook his head. "Well, at least now I know what some of the side effects are. Until we can come up with something to counteract this substance, no, there is nothing we can do. John may have to wait until his body rids itself of this stuff and hope there are no other side effects."

They heard a crash from Sheppard's room and the monitor began to beep loudly. When they ran in, they found him sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at the floor. There was blood across the bed and Sheppard's scrubs. His right hand gripped the rail, blood dripping from where the IV needle had been pulled out. The left clutched the edge of the mattress. He was breathing fast and deep again and seemed oblivious to their arrival.

"Colonel?" Beckett rushed to stand in front of him. He kicked away a tray that had been knocked off a nearby cabinet and grabbed a folded towel from the same cabinet. He pressed the towel onto Sheppard's bleeding hand as he reached out to turn off the squealing monitor. "The IV's been pulled out."

One of the nurses hurried in, relieving Beckett of the towel so that he could pull on gloves. They carefully tried to pry his hands from the bed but the Colonel just tightened his grip.

"He won't let go, Doctor." The nurse whispered as she held the towel in place.

"Just keep the pressure on, Connie." Beckett instructed her. He looked at Sheppard. "John? Listen to me. I need for you to let go. John, can you hear me? You have to let go."

They waited for several seconds, but Sheppard didn't seem to hear anything going on around him. He was engulfed in whatever was going on in his mind.

"Damn. I should never have left him alone. We have to break through this. Talk to him, Elizabeth." Beckett turned to the nurse and indicated the bleeding hand. "Get something to bandage this."

Elizabeth put her hand on his arm from the other side of the bed. She didn't think it possible, but he tensed even more with her touch. Beckett gestured for her to come closer. She was careful to keep her hand on him as she moved around the end of the bed to stand in front of him.

"John, listen to me. We're here. Please listen." Her voice was not much above a whisper, but it was filled with urgency. "When I was succumbing to the nanites, it was your voice I heard. You got through to me in that nightmare. You made it through their influence and the world they constructed for me and you showed me the way out."

She paused, searching his face for signs of comprehension but found none. Elizabeth took a deep breath and tried again.

"John, I hope you can hear me. If you can, please open your eyes." She glanced at Beckett, who nodded. "Carson told me what you did. They told me you were the only one who believed I could survive. You risked your life by coming into isolation to help me. Please listen to me. We're here."

She felt a slight relaxation in the muscles under her hand. He suddenly blinked and looked at her.

"Worth it." His eyes closed again and he began to crumple. They barely caught him before he slid off the bed.

"Connie!" Beckett shouted.

The nurse rushed back into the room, and, seeing them holding the unconscious man, set down tray she carried and came over to help. They quickly got him back onto the bed. Elizabeth moved back to let Beckett and the nurse do their jobs. Connie concentrated on the still bleeding hand while Beckett checked the monitor. He reattached two leads that had come loose. After he gently lifted each of his Sheppard's eyelids and flicked the penlight across them, Beckett looked up at Elizabeth.

"How is he?" Elizabeth held herself as if she was cold. She looked from him to Sheppard then back.

"He's stabilizing, but…." He looked back at Sheppard. "Give me about an hour."

----------

McKay tapped his transceiver. "Dr. Zelenka, this is McKay."

"This is Zelenka."

"What the hell is going on?" McKay looked around his dimly lit lab. This wasn't just a flicker like earlier. Something was definitely wrong. He got up and headed for the door.

----------

"_Good evening, Captain!" The voice was not even remotely familiar and more than a little annoying._

"_Mmmm. Where'm I?" He opened his eyes a fraction. Even the low light in the room was too bright_. Was that me? Sound strange _"Who're you?"_

"_Lt. Evans, Sir. You're in Wilford Hall." She was fuzzy. "Col. Dandridge is on the way, Captain."_

"_Wilford?"_ Wilford Hall? Hospital? Why the hell does everything hurt? What the…? _He tried to move. "Ow!"_

"_Capt. Sheppard! I'm happy to see you're awake. How are you feeling?" Dandridge took his patient's chart from Evans and looked it over as he spoke. He was fuzzy, too._

"_Wha' happened?" _Wilford Hall? Why the hell am I in here? _Sheppard tried to open his eyes more fully and look around. It was a hospital room, institutionally sterile. He saw the Doctor's rank, a full Colonel. "Sir."_

"_Well, from what I hear, you performed a maneuver that isn't in the books and the designers say can't be done." Dandridge leaned over and gently pressed the diaphragm of his stethoscope to Sheppard's chest. He listened for several seconds then straightened again. "How are you feeling? Do you want anything for the pain?"_

Feeling? Pain? Huh. _The head of the bed was slightly raised. He looked down and saw his right leg in a cast and his right forearm and hand in a brace. His head hurt like hell, too. "Like crap. No. Sir."_

"_Any dizziness, nausea?"_

"_No. What happened?"_

"_It'll come back." The Doctor pulled over a chair and sat down. He held a glass of water for Sheppard to sip. When he turned back from setting it on the bedside table, his face was serious. "Your Eagle had engine failure on final approach. From what I've heard, you managed a minor miracle when you avoided Methodist Hospital and the Southwest Research Institute, as well as God knows how many homes before you crashed."_

"_Crashed?"_ I crashed? When?

"_Like I said, you had engine failure. Well, actually, one engine pretty much blew out and did significant damage to the other. The investigators are still analyzing the flight data recorder and putting all the pieces together, but, yes, your F-15 crashed. You were able to fly her out towards Castroville and put her into an empty field."_

"_Oh."_ That must have gone over well. At least the old man isn't here. God, he's probably on his way. _He tried to sit up. The Doctor put a hand on his shoulder. He needed minimal pressure to keep Sheppard down._

"_Hold on, Captain. Just take it easy." Dandridge put on a pair of glasses and began to read Sheppard's chart. "You ejected well below the safe minimum altitude. The result being, you have a fairly severe concussion, broken right tibia and fibula, three broken and a couple of cracked ribs, a cracked right radius and multiple lacerations, abrasions and contusions."_

"_Oh."_ Way to go, John. Way to go.

_The Doctor set the chart on the bedside cabinet, his mouth twisted in a wry smile. "To sum it up, you're lucky to be alive and you are going to be here for a while. So, relax."_

"_What time is it?" Sheppard frowned at his bare left wrist. _My watch is gone. Lucky to be alive? Wait until the Colonel gets here.

"_Twenty-one-oh-five. But, you should ask what day it is. You've been drifting in and out for more than two days, Son." The now fuzzier Doctor smiled gently. "Why don't you get some sleep? We'll talk again in the morning."_

----------

Sheppard opened his eyes for a moment. He glimpsed someone in scrubs standing next to the bed, adjusting the flow on the IV. The distinct smell peculiar to hospitals and infirmaries everywhere, registered as his eyes closed again.

----------

_Sheppard cautiously opened his eyes again._ Bad move. What was that smell? Hospital. Right. Oh, crap, that's right. Wilford Hall.

"_Captain! You're awake." A young man was standing next to the bed, replacing one of the two IV bags. He adjusted the flow then looked back at Sheppard. "I'll fetch Col. Dandridge."_

_The young man disappeared. Sheppard looked around the room. His vision was marginally clearer today_. Morning? Night? Where the hell is my watch?

_A vaguely familiar man in a lab coat entered the room. He was tall, African-American and had close cropped graying hair. He smiled warmly._

"_Good morning, Captain. I'm afraid your watch was broken in the accident." Dandridge pulled the chair up and sat down next to the bed. He pulled a penlight out of his pocket. "Sorry. I need to take a look."_

_The Doctor gently lifted each of Sheppard's eyelids and flicked the light across his eyes. He then pulled out his stethoscope and listened to his patient's heart and lungs. He folded up the stethoscope and pushed it back into the pocket._

"_How are you feeling this morning?"_

"_Still crappy." His voice cracked. _Was that me?_ "Sir."_

_Dandridge passed him the cup of water. Sheppard held it with a shaky hand and gratefully took a mouthful. He let it slowly trickle down his dry throat then swallowed another mouthful._

"_It'll get better. We're going to get you up in a little while, but do you feel like something to eat first?" Dandridge looked over his reading glasses at Sheppard, expression hopeful._ Entirely too cheerful.

"_Col. Dandridge?" The young man was back and was smiling. "Sorry to disturb you, Sir, but Capt. Sheppard has a visitor."_

_The Doctor stood up as an Air Force Colonel entered. He was resplendent in his crisp, by the book uniform, hat tucked properly under his left arm along with a large envelope. Out of the corner of his eye the Doctor noticed his patient tense. He saw a resemblance between them that was unmistakable, but there was a discernable lack of the warmth and concern that should be there._

"_Col. Dandridge?" The new arrival stood stiffly just inside the door, gaze firmly fixed on the Doctor._

_Dandridge picked up the chart and stepped forward with his hand outstretched. "Yes. Col. Sheppard, I take it?"_

"_Yes." He briefly took the Doctor's hand._

Great. Just great.

"_Well, I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your son is doing well, better than he should be, actually." Dandridge glanced back at Sheppard, whose eyes were fixed on his Father. He saw the young man's face was set as if he were expecting something bad._

"_Thank you. Can I talk to him alone?" The Colonel now turned toward the bed._

"_I think a few minutes wouldn't hurt." Dandridge nodded and walked out the door._

"_Way to go, John_." Here it comes_. The elder Sheppard's voice was controlled. No yelling, just quiet, but full of disappointment._ Why the hell did he come all the way from DC if I'm such a screw-up?

"_Dad…"_

"_That's Sir, Captain."_ Just keep your mouth shut. _"You just had to be a cowboy again, didn't you?"_

Cowboy? Have I done something I don't remember? Did that knock on the head do more damage than they're telling me?

"_Sir?"_

"_Did I give you permission to speak?"_

_Sheppard felt the throbbing in his head intensify. His eyes slid to a point beyond the Colonel's right ear._ Just keep quiet and get it over with_. He saw the Doctor in the door way._ Damn. Stay out of it.

"_Look at me when I'm talking to you." Col. Sheppard's voice now had anger in it. The iron control was slipping._ Why the hell is he so pissed? _"You just couldn't do something as simple as land an F-15, could you? Just had to make a mess of things again, didn't you?"_

Bingo!

"_Well, you've done it this time. Pilots that screw up like this don't get very far in the Air Force."_

_Dandridge came back into the room. "Colonel? Can I talk to you, please?"_

_The man continued to glare at his son. "I may not have the influence to have you discharged, but I can make sure you don't fly another thirty million dollar aircraft into the ground."_

"_Excuse me." Dandridge walked around Col. Sheppard to stand near the bed. "Colonel, I must ask you to…"_

_The elder Sheppard glanced at Dandridge. He took a step toward the foot of the bed and dropped the envelope on it. "Here are your orders. You've been reassigned. From now on, you fly Pave Hawks."_

_Sheppard felt the world fall from beneath him as his Father walked out._

_----------_


	4. Chapter 4

Beckett stood in the outer area of the infirmary, talking quietly to Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon.

"He's stable. In a way, it's a good thing he passed out. This is putting a lot of stress on his system. And, until I determine that I can sedate him safely, it may be the only rest John gets."

Elizabeth asked, "You said you should have stayed with him. Why?"

Beckett absentmindedly tapped the datapad that held Sheppard's medical file. "I've been thinking about it. Like I said, we don't know very much about how memory works, so this is speculation, but, like I said, this chemical must be affecting how his memories are stored and recalled."

"What happened? He seemed to be okay just a minute before."

"From the sound of it, John is actually reliving events from his life all over again. Our talking to him may be enough of a stimulus to help him focus and stay in the here and now." Beckett looked down. "When we left him to rest, we took away the stimulus. He was overwhelmed by whatever memory, or memories, he experienced after we left him."

"What can we do to help?" Teyla asked.

The Doctor sighed. "The only thing I can think of right now is to keep him distracted, talk to him. If he has something to concentrate on, he seems to have a little better luck controlling what is going on in his head."

"Talk to him." Ronon frowned. "About what?"

"Anything." Beckett looked around at them. "Look, I'm hoping we have the remaining test results on the drug interactions soon. If I can put him under for a while, we may be able to wait it out until all of the enzyme and protein, and this substance, are out of his body."

"Dr. Beckett?" Connie poked her head in the door. "Col. Sheppard is waking up."

----------

"John?" Beckett lifted one of his eyelids. Sheppard turned his head away from the light.

"Let's just say I never lived up to expectations." He mumbled.

Elizabeth and Beckett frowned at each other.

"John?" Beckett asked again.

Sheppard rolled his eyes open and blinked. He frowned in confusion at Beckett then Elizabeth for several seconds.

"Wha's goin' on? Was I asleep?" He licked dry lips. The last vestiges of the memory lingered, causing his Father's voice to echo in his mind. He could not believe how badly his head ached.

"You're in the infirmary, Son." Beckett smiled reassuringly. "You gave us quite a scare earlier. How are you feeling?"

Sheppard closed his eyes. Something was wrong. _You were dreaming. Wake up._

"Head hurts." He raised his hands to rub his eyes. The right was heavily bandaged. _Cracked right radius?_ "What happened?"

"Your hand will be fine. The IV line got tangled up and the needle was pulled out. You passed out."

"Oh." His voice was not much more than a croak. _Passed out? Don't I wish. _He looked around. _Water. Where's the water?_

Beckett seemed to read his mind. He slowly raised the head of the bed until his patient was almost in a sitting position and held a glass of water for him. After taking a couple of swallows, Sheppard looked at Beckett and Elizabeth again.

"Are you sure you can't just put me out for a day or two?" He looked hopefully at the Doctor.

Beckett compressed his mouth and shook his head once. "I'm sorry, not yet."

"Okay. What now?" Sheppard's hand was shaking so much, Beckett took the glass out of it.

"Is it easier for you when you're talking to us? I mean, does it help?"

Sheppard thought for a moment. It was obvious he was struggling. His hands moved nervously and his eyes didn't rest on anything for more than a moment. He was breathing as if he had been running. He finally nodded.

"Okay. Then we're going to try to keep you entertained. I need to go see how those tests are coming, so I'm going to leave you in Elizabeth's capable hands for a few minutes. I'll be just through there if you need anything." Beckett rested his hand on the Colonel's shoulder for a moment. He nodded at Elizabeth then left.

"What would you like to talk about?" She asked hesitantly.

Sheppard chuckled humorlessly. "There's that bedside manner we all know and love."

Elizabeth was mortified. "Oh, God! John, I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Tell me about…uh…Lorne. Is his team back yet?" His left hand gripped the bed rail again.

"Yes, yes. They got back earlier." She pulled a chair over and sat down. "The preliminary report is promising. The planet seems to be uninhabited. Maj. Lorne reported that it could make another good alternative to the alpha site. They found an ample supply of fresh water. The area around the Gate is forested, but there is open grassland within a few miles. The agronomists are testing the soil for arability. It looks good so far."

Sheppard leaned forward and tucked his right leg under the left.

"What's wrong?" Elizabeth stood up.

"Nothing. Just tired of lying down."

She sat down again. "Are you sure? Should I get Carson?"

"No, no. I'm okay." He gripped the rail again. He seemed to be using it to anchor himself in reality. "If this planet is such a paradise, why is it uninhabited? You'd think someone would have found it and settled there before now."

"Well, we have seen other uninhabited planets." She offered.

"They surveyed the whole planet?"

"Yes."

He frowned in thought. "Okay. Any word on Kolya?"

"No. Ladon dialed in a little while ago. His people searched the planet where you were held. There is nothing to indicate where Kolya went. And it seems that none of the men he left there were alive."

She watched Sheppard closely as they talked. His eyes went out of focus for several seconds, but he forced himself back.

"Does Ladon have any ideas? What about the guys he has in custody?"

Elizabeth's face was unreadable. "Still under interrogation."

"Well, I'd like to go and have a chat with them."

She smiled. "You, Ronon, Teyla, even Rodney, and more than a few other people have said that. I think we can leave it to Ladon, though. I have the feeling the Genii have interrogation methods that are quite…persuasive."

Sheppard suddenly closed his eyes tight and bowed his head. She saw his breathing quicken and his grip on the rail tighten to the point that is shook.

"John? What is it? John?"

----------

_Kolya stood in front of him, watching. He nodded and the Wraith began to feed again._

----------

"What now?" McKay looked around. The Ancient consoles and screens went offline.

"Could it be a problem with the ZPM?" Zelenka offered.

"I checked the ZPM myself an hour ago. It's something else. I just can't think what." McKay typed furiously on his laptop. "This is not good."

----------

Beckett pulled the stethoscope out of his ears and stuffed it into a pocket. He looked around the room. The dim light was supplemented by a battery run lantern. He moved it a few inches to cast more light on the bed, hoping the promised naquadah generator would be connected and running soon..

"What happened?" Sheppard was lying on the bed again.

"You were…"

"No, the lights." Sheppard interrupted, already knowing what happened to himself.

"The lights went out. Systems throughout the City are going offline." Beckett replied quietly. "Elizabeth just went back to operations. Everyone is trying to find out what's going on. I'm afraid you're stuck with me for the time being."

"Dr. Beckett?" A female voice came from behind them.

"Dr. Heightmeyer." Sheppard closed his eyes and sighed. He wondered how long it was going to take her to get here.

The Doctor turned. "Kate! What are you doing here?"

"Well, with everyone working on the…" She waved her hand towards the ceiling. "I have some spare time. I thought I might be of some use here."

"Excuse me." Beckett tapped his transceiver. "This is Beckett…Yes…Someone will be there in a few minutes."

"What's wrong?" Sheppard said wearily.

"There've been a couple of accidents. Let me go send some help then I'll be right back." Beckett started for the door.

"You go, Doc. I'll be okay." Sheppard rubbed his face.

"I'll stay with him, Carson." Kate smiled.

Beckett hesitated. "Well, Connie and Dr. Franks are just next door. I won't be but a few minutes."

After Beckett left, Kate smiled at Sheppard and sat down. "You didn't say much earlier, John. Do you want to tell me about it now?"

When he turned his head to speak to her, the light from the lantern made him flinch. She turned to move it.

----------

"_John?"_

_He looked up from the open school books on the kitchen table. "Yes, Ma'am?"_

"_You shouldn't argue with your Father like that." She turned on the bright overhead light and sat opposite him._

_He looked down for a moment. The scene in the living room that morning had been ugly. The argument was, as usual, over the teenager's lack of respect and less than perfect grades._

"_Mom, it's kind of hard to have a four point oh grade point average when I change schools every six months." He knew the fights with the elder Sheppard deeply upset her. Most of the time, he held back and said nothing when his Father criticized him for whatever real or perceived offense. But, there were times when he just couldn't keep the lid on. This morning was one of them. He had been deemed a disappointment yet again because of a less than perfect report card from mid-terms at a school he'd attended less than a month._

"_I know it doesn't seem fair, but he's under so much pressure." She leaned forward and put her hand over his. "This assignment in Ramstein is very important."_

"_All of his assignments are important." He said with a bitterness that he could not keep out of his voice. "Mom, I just don't know why we had to come to Germany with him. He's almost never going to be here."_

_He immediately regretted both the tone and the words._

"_We are a family and will we stay together. You may not believe it, but your Father wants only the best for you. He wants you to succeed." She paused, watching the emotions play on his face. "John, don't. I know he has trouble showing it, but he loves you very much."_

Has trouble showing it? He has never even said it. Not even to her._ He was grateful when the oven timer interrupted the conversation. John loved to do his homework in the kitchen when she was cooking. The smell of cookies permeated the house. Peanut butter cookies. He inhaled deeply. With chocolate chips. She always knew what would lift his spirits, and knew this treat was a proxy peace offering._

"_You know, the two of you are very much alike in some ways." She held up a finger when he started to protest. "You're both very smart, keep things locked up inside and are extrodinairily stubborn."_

"_Mom!" He was appalled she would compare them. He was not going to be like him._

"_John, you may not believe it, but your Father was not always like he is now. The responsibilities he has had in his work changed him. I think if you had met him twenty years ago, you would have liked him a lot. I am sorry you didn't know him then." She raised an eyebrow and squeezed his hand. "Will you try, please?"_

_He was surprised by her candor. She had never spoken this way about his Father before, and he could see the sadness in her eyes now at the loss of the man she once knew. He sighed and nodded._

"_Thank you, Dear." She smiled and stood up. "Now, I think one cookie won't spoil your dinner. Interested?"_

----------

When she turned back, Kate saw that he was staring at her. No, she thought, he was staring through her. Beckett had filled her in on what was happening but seeing it shocked her. A ghost of a smile played on his face. Whatever the memory was, it must be pleasant. She hesitated before attempting to break into it, but Beckett told her it was vital to try to prevent the memories from overwhelming him.

"John?" She put her hand on his arm and squeezed. There was almost no reaction for several seconds then Sheppard focused on her. The relaxed, even content, expression was replaced fleetingly by one of melancholy when he realized where he was. Then, a wall went up.

Kate was put off balance by the sudden change. "I'm sorry, John."

"Don't worry about it." He closed his eyes for a few seconds. "They're just memories."

----------

"What's down now?" McKay prowled from console to laptop to console in Gate Ops as he listened to his transceiver. He stopped and stared at one of the laptops, looking like he was about to cry. "Just…just check it out."

Elizabeth watched the brief one-sided exchange. When McKay tapped his transceiver again, she spoke. "Now what?"

"It's probably better to ask what hasn't gone offline." He dropped into a chair. "At this rate, the entire City will shut down in less than two days."

"And, you have no idea why?" She waited for the explosion.

McKay just shook his head. "No."

"Sabotage?" She suggested.

"It's highly unlikely. There is absolutely no sense in what is happening. We have systems going down that are completely unconnected. Lights, doors, transporters in isolated areas of the City, as well as major systems such as water purification, have gone down. Some of them have come back online on their own. There's just no way someone could be doing this. There's no reason why anyone would be doing it."

----------

"_Your exams are not finished. Who gave you permission to leave the Academy?" Lt. Col. Sheppard was tight-lipped as he spoke to his son._

"_The Commandant of Cadets, Sir." The younger Sheppard looked straight ahead, at the coffin that he knew held his Mother. "The General thought it was important for me to be here."_

"_I told you there was no need for you to come. She's dead. There's nothing you can do about it." The Colonel's voice was low, but the displeasure was palpable._

"_I know, Sir. But, I came to say good-bye anyway." _Don't argue. Not here. Not in front of her. _Sheppard walked to the coffin and looked in. She looked beautiful, like she was asleep. He swallowed hard and touched her hair. For the first time, he noticed a hint of grey in her long black hair. When he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper. "I'm sorry I wasn't here, Mom. I love you."_

_He turned and, without even glancing at his Father, walked out._

----------

"…is coming along very well. Ronon is working on a plan to use…" Teyla broke off. "John, is something wrong? Should I get Carson?"

Sheppard released a long, shuddering breath and shook his head. "No. No, it was just something that I remembered."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Even in the dim light, she could see he was distressed. This episode was unlike many of the others. It was quiet, personal. And painfully sad, she thought.

"No. It was a long time ago." He wiped one cheek with his hand and cleared his throat. The immersion in the memories did not absolutely block out his surroundings, but came very close. He was losing track of time because each memory played out minute for minute in his mind and each left him disoriented to one degree or another. He looked around then threw off the blanket. Before Teyla could do or say anything, he lowered the bed rail. "I have to get up."

"John, wait." Teyla stood up and grabbed his arm. "Carson said you should rest as much as possible."

"I can't just sit here, Teyla." She could see he was determined, even desperate. "Look, I appreciate you guys trying the handholding thing, but I am going to go crazy if I sit here much longer."

"Please, let me call Carson first." She tapped her transceiver. "Dr. Beckett, this is Teyla."

She paused a moment. "Col. Sheppard wants to leave the infirmary…yes. Hurry. Thank you."

"Well?" Sheppard asked as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

"He will be here shortly. John, I can't let you leave until Carson arrives."

She heard him groan softly as his eyes fluttered shut. His whole body tensed and began to shake.

----------

_The Genii unclipped the metal glove, releasing the Wraith's hand. That hand briefly hovered just inches from his face, giving Sheppard time to know deep in his gut this would be the last time._

_He barely heard their voices through the sound of his own rushing blood._

"_Take your fill."_

_Then, for a third time, the hand hit his chest and it started._

-----------

"Ronon, help me!" She yelled as he entered. She was holding Sheppard on the edge of the bed.

Ronon quickly moved to help her. They held him there until the worst of it passed then he gently lifted his friend up and maneuvered him back onto the bed. "Sheppard!"

They patiently waited for him to come out of it. Sheppard finally lifted shaking hands, saw the extent of the unsteadiness and curled them into fists. He licked his lips and looked up at them.

"I need to get out of here for a while. I can't just sit here any more." His voice was rough with emotion. He tried hard to keep control. "Where the hell is Beckett?"

"Right here, Colonel." The Doctor walked in. He stopped next to the bed as Sheppard tried to get up again. "Where do you think you're going?"

Sheppard folded his arms over his chest. "Doc, I just need to get out of here for a while."

Beckett slowly shook his head. "I don't think…"

"Damn it, Carson. You have no idea what's going on in my head. Just talking isn't enough. I have to do something. Teyla and Ronon will babysit me." He looked at them, suddenly uncertain. "You will, won't you?"

"Yeah, I'll stay with him, Doc." Ronon's expression was unreadable.

"Teyla?" Beckett didn't take his eyes off his patient. He realized he would have to put Sheppard in restraints if he didn't let him go, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. The power outage was slowing the tests on the substance and he had no idea when the results would be ready.

"Yes. Ronon and I will make sure he comes to no harm." Her voice did not completely reflect the confidence of her statement.

"Alright, I want you back here in two hours." Beckett held his hand up when Sheppard started to protest. "Two hours, otherwise I will put you in restraints. If anything, and I mean anything…"

"I know. They'll let you know if my head starts spinning around. Thanks, Carson." Sheppard quickly got off the bed and grabbed his clothes.

After Sheppard had changed back into his uniform, Beckett watched them leave. Teyla and Ronon flanked their charge, whose whole posture and movement was off. The normally relaxed, athletic gait had been replaced by an almost nervous, hyperactive one. Beckett's frown deepened as he headed for the lab.

----------

The journey to his quarters had a feeling of deja vu. The last time Beckett had allowed Sheppard out of the infirmary with an escort he was changing into a monster. He staggered against the wall and leaned into it. His fingers tried to dig into the smooth surface for support.

Teyla realized what was happening. "John."

After what seemed a long time, he answered. "What?"

They were plunged into complete darkness. Ronon swore in a strange language as he turned on the flashlight he'd started carrying earlier after being caught in a pitch black corridor. They saw Sheppard staring at nothing.

"Are you okay?" Ronon asked.

Sheppard took a couple of deep breaths then nodded. He pushed away from the wall and began to walk down the corridor again, his outstretched fingers maintaining contact with the solid wall. He suddenly looked around in confusion. "What the hell is going on with the lights?"

"We do not know. It seems that there are outages going on all over the City. Rodney and his people are trying to determine the cause of the problem." Teyla responded with a frown. She had already told him this twice in the infirmary.

She and Ronon were watching him closely as they neared his quarters. He was a little unsteady but seemed more in control. They were still several yards from the door when it opened. The lights in his quarters came on even though the corridor remained dark. Teyla and Ronon exchanged puzzled glances as they followed Sheppard in.

----------

"Right, what the hell is going on?" McKay shouted. He was reading a laptop balanced on the pedestal that housed the ZPM. He looked at Zelenka. "Anything?"

The Czech shrugged. "No. It makes no sense, Rodney. There doesn't seem to be any reason for the blackouts."

The lights came up again. McKay glared at the laptop then closed it and picked it up.

"Keep working on it. I'll be in Ops." He stormed out, leaving Zelenka and several technicians busily conferring with laptops, datapads and each other in his wake.

----------

Ten minutes later, Sheppard and his guardians left his quarters. He was now dressed in civvies. His hands remained in constant motion, though, convulsively squeezing a rubber ball he'd picked up in his quarters or brushing the walls as he walked.

"How are you feeling, John?" Teyla asked as she and Ronon flanked him.

A tired grin passed over Sheppard's face and he briefly tilted his head sideways. "Good, good. Better. Thank you."

"Where do you want to go now?" Ronon watched him closely.

"I need some fresh air." He was moving at a brisk pace, leaving his friends almost running to keep up.

----------

"Rodney?" Elizabeth stood next to the astrophysicist, trying to read the screen.

McKay tapped on the computer keyboard then looked up at the screen, too. He threw up his hands. "Nothing. I can find nothing that's causing these blackouts."

"You're sure it isn't the ZPM?" She asked.

"No, it isn't the ZPM. It isn't anything. The fact that power stays on in some parts of the City indicates that it isn't the ZPM. And, we've checked it." McKay waved at the screen. He was clearly at a loss. "Some things are up and running again. Others are still offline. It just doesn't make sense."

"Is anyone using Ancient technology that could be causing it?" Elizabeth knew she was suggesting possibilities that had probably already been rejected, but felt she had to ask.

Zelenka answered this time. "We halted all work on any Ancient technology that is not used in the basic running of essential systems and has not been thoroughly checked out."

"Yes, yes." McKay exhaled impatiently. "Only technology we know is safe is in use. We've tested everything twice, and we're testing again. Like I said, nothing."

"Okay, keep me informed." Elizabeth patted him on the shoulder and nodded at Zelenka then walked towards her office.

----------

Sheppard paced up and down the main room of the infirmary, nervously passing the rubber ball from one hand to the other. He glanced around the room on each pass.

"We believe we know what is causing the disruptions." Teyla looked at the faces around the room.

McKay was immediately skeptical then alarmed. "A Wraith? Do you sense a Wraith?"

"No, Rodney. I do not sense any Wraith." She turned and looked at Sheppard. Everyone's eyes followed hers. "We believe it is John."

"What? How could he…? No, that's not possible." McKay was now very skeptical. "Sheppard's had someone with him constantly since last night. He hasn't been near anything that would… He couldn't…"

"Rodney." Elizabeth stopped him. She looked at Teyla. "Why do you think it's John?"

"Because it happens whenever…whenever one of the more…intense…" Sheppard stopped pacing for a moment and looked down. He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. The others waited for him. "Uh…like whenever I remember the Wraith feeding."

They watched him. This was the first time he spoke of what he had been reliving. He was pale and breathless. Beckett guessed his headache was much worse. He looked like someone on the edge of collapse.

McKay responded first. "How can you possibly be responsible for disrupting systems all over the City? We all know you have the strongest ATA gene, but you can't be doing this."

He looked up at them. "I want it to stop. I'm screaming in my head for it to stop."

"Still, I don't see how…"

"Give me a minute, Rodney. I'll probably be able to give you a demonstra…" He gasped as he dropped to his knees and hunched over. The room was plunged into darkness as he slammed his fist onto the floor.

----------


	5. Chapter 5

Beckett stood next to Sheppard, checking his pulse. He was sitting on a chair. When the Doctor let his wrist go, Sheppard looked up at him.

"You have to do something, Carson. I can't keep this up."

"I know, Son." Beckett said softly.

"Neither can the City." McKay pointed out even as he watched his friend lower his head in exhaustion. "These disruptions are causing all kinds of problems. We've already had some…"

"Yes, Rodney." Beckett glared at him. He looked back at Sheppard. "It's just too risky."

"What about the stasis chamber?" Elizabeth suggested.

"It won't work." McKay responded first.

"Since the chamber will only put him in stasis, when we bring him out of it, the enzyme and protein will still be in his system." Beckett paused, his expression grim. "Besides, I am not willing to put even a healthy person in that thing. We just don't know enough about it yet."

"We could fly over to the mainland." Ronon spoke for the first time.

"Can you imagine what would happen if he shut it down?" McKay dismissed the idea with a shudder. He looked at Sheppard. "Now that we know what's happening, can't you just stop it?"

Sheppard looked up at McKay with an unreadable expression. McKay finally looked away.

"Sorry." The astrophysicist was contrite.

"I can go to the Alpha site."

"Out of the question." Beckett said as a lab technician walked up and handed him a datapad. The young woman whispered in his ear then left. He tapped on the pad and read the screen.

McKay moved close enough to look over Beckett's shoulder. Everyone except Sheppard showed interest in what the Doctor was reading. He was pacing again and barely glanced over.

Beckett exhaled. "All of the drugs we have tested have serious contra-indications with the combination of the enzyme, protein and the chemical. Even the mildest sedative would probably be fatal."

"Then he should go to the Alpha site." McKay interrupted.

"I now have enough data on the rate John's system is able to rid itself of the substance. It's a slow process, about the same rate as it takes for the human body to clean out the enzyme itself. I estimate about another thirty-six. It's been thirty-six hours since the Wraith…" Beckett frowned as he watched Sheppard. "It's not going to be easy, Son. I'm sorry."

Sheppard looked around at the others. He stopped walking, but could not seem to stay still. Elizabeth was reminded of the way McKay behaved after he escaped Ford's men. One big difference, however, was Sheppard's coherence. He was bouncing off the walls, but still made sense despite the chaos going on in his mind.

"Carson, I can't stay here. At the rate it's going, I could shut down the entire City long before this stuff if out of my system. I have to go to the Alpha site." He started pacing again. They could all see and hear his desperation.

"John." Elizabeth bit her lip.

"Lorne's back and the Daedalus will be here in two days."

Teyla turned to Beckett. "Ronon and I will stay with him again, Carson."

Ronon nodded agreement. "We'll keep an eye on him."

"I'm not happy with this, but, okay. I'm coming, too." Beckett looked at Elizabeth. "If that's alright with you."

Elizabeth watched Sheppard as she thought. A moment later, she nodded. "I want regular reports."

"We will meet you in the Gate Room as quickly as possible." Teyla said to Beckett, then she and Ronon escorted Sheppard out.

"I'll get back to work." McKay pointed to the door and left.

Beckett stopped Elizabeth as she moved to follow. He held up the datapad. "There's something you need to know."

"What is it?" Her concern was growing.

"I have no idea if there will be any long lasting affects or what they might be." He held up a hand when she started to talk. "Rodney, Teyla and Ronon were very lucky the addictive effects of the enzyme were short-lived and that there were no other side-effects. This is a whole new thing."

She thought for a moment. "Does John know?"

"He's the one who brought it up to me." He squeezed her arm, hoping to reassure her and himself. "John is one of the strongest people I know, Elizabeth. I'm sure he'll come through this."

Elizabeth nodded. She heard the uncertainty in Beckett's voice but appreciated the effort. "I hope so."

----------

Thirty minutes later, Beckett, Teyla, Ronon and Sheppard waited at the edge of the Gate Room floor. Ronon carried his own bag as well as a backpack. He scowled when Sheppard tried to relieve him of the pack. They were all dressed for going off-world. A team of Marines, also ready to go off-world, stood nearby.

McKay approached. He looked at Sheppard with an apologetic expression. "Sorry, I wish I was going with you, but we're going to be checking out all of the systems here for a couple of days. You've made a bit of a mess."

The ghost of a smile appeared on Sheppard's face at McKay's attempt at humor. "It's okay, Rodney. Sorry."

"I'll go up and dial the Gate for you." McKay nodded and turned away just as Elizabeth walked up. He climbed the stairs to operations.

"Do you have everything you need?" She looked from Sheppard to Beckett and back again.

"I think so, yes." Beckett answered as he watched Sheppard. He saw the Colonel slowly stop moving. His downcast eyes began to go out of focus. Beckett looked up to McKay and mouthed 'now'. The astrophysicist began the dialing sequence. "We have to go now."

Sheppard spoke in a low, strained voice. "Ronon."

Without hesitation, Ronon pulled his weapon and fired it at his friend. Before anyone could move to catch him, Sheppard fell to the floor.

"What the hell are you doing?" Beckett dropped his bag and knelt next to his patient. He tapped his transceiver. "Medical team to the Gate Room!"

Teyla glared at Ronon as she knelt, too.

"What have you done?" Elizabeth almost shouted.

"Sheppard told me to shoot him if he started to…" Ronon wiggled his fingers in the air. He went pale as he dropped his bag and Sheppard's pack. "He said he'd talked to you about it, Doc."

Beckett felt for a pulse at Sheppard's carotid artery and lifted both of his eyelids. "Of all the stupid, insane…He did not talk to me about it."

"Carson?" Elizabeth hovered over the Doctor's shoulder.

"He's breathing and has a pulse, not much of one, but it's there." Beckett looked over his shoulder to the corridor leading to the infirmary. "What the bloody hell was he thinking?"

McKay stopped the dialing sequence and ran down the stairs. He stared at Ronon. "What's going on? Why did you shoot him?"

Before anyone could answer, the gurney arrived. Ronon swept Teyla aside, scooped Sheppard up and laid him on it. Beckett hurried off with Sheppard, infirmary personnel at either end of the gurney. The others followed close behind. Ronon brought up the rear, his face dark and brooding.

----------

Kate Heightmeyer looked around. She had come to see if Sheppard was alright and found Elizabeth and his team waiting to hear if he would live at all. The discussion so far was mostly one-sided, hers.

"Our memories are two dimensional copies of the real events of our lives. As time passes, our minds filter out more and more of the fear and pain we feel. Even good memories lose some of the stronger feelings after a while. The details are still there. We just don't remember them." She crooked her fingers to indicate quotation marks with the last sentence.

McKay shook his head. "How does that explain that he can shut down the City?"

"John is living periods of his life as if it were the first time all over again, as if they were the events themselves. He hasn't talked much about the memories he is actually experiencing, has he?" She looked around at them.

"Other than to say that he was remembering the Wraith feeding on him when some of the blackouts occurred, no, he hasn't said anything specific." Elizabeth answered.

"I believe that he has been experiencing good memories, but it is probably safe to say that many instances have been very bad ones. I'm not surprised that the events of the day before yesterday have been very close to the surface. They would induce extremely strong feelings."

"And, with the ATA gene…" McKay waved one hand in circles.

They fell silent.

"I'm sorry, if you do not need me here, I have…" Kate stood up. She understood that they were not in the mood to talk with her there, if it all. Weariness from lack of sleep and worry for Sheppard had made them retreat into their own worlds. Perhaps if she left, everything they were feeling right now would allow them to open up to each other. Group therapy was quite possible without her.

"Yes, of course, you have work to do." Elizabeth nodded. "Thank you."

The psychologist nodded and left the infirmary.

Elizabeth watched Ronon, who had turned away as Kate spoke.

"Ronon, no one is blaming you." Elizabeth tried to get through the Satedan's black mood.

"I don't understand why you had to shoot him." McKay looked at him with disbelief.

"Sheppard told me…" Ronon stopped and hung his head for a moment, visibly upset. "He said he couldn't risk shutting down the Gate or Ops."

McKay shrugged and nodded. "Well, there is that."

They waited for Beckett to finish whatever it was that needed to be done. Each was reminded of another time when they had waited for news of their friend. Each retreated into the memory and the feelings it provoked. Each was painfully jerked out of their thoughts when Beckett entered the room.

"Your weapon has only two settings, right? If set on stun, it generally renders a person unconscious for just a few minutes?" The Doctor asked Ronon.

"Yeah. Sheppard should have come around after five, ten minutes at most." Ronon's frown deepened. "What's wrong?"

Beckett held up a hand. "Don't go try taking all the blame, Son. Col. Sheppard had more than a little to do with it."

"What's wrong?" Ronon asked again.

"He's still unconscious." Beckett held up both hands to stop the questions the four people in front of him began to ask. "And, I don't know why."

"Do you have any idea when he'll come around?" McKay asked.

"I'm sorry, no. Look, it's almost dark. There is nothing you can do here. Go get something to eat and some rest." When they didn't move, the Doctor put his hands on his hips. "I can make that an order if I need to. When he regains consciousness, or if there is any change in his condition, I will call you. Now, go."

----------

"I need to eat before I go back to getting this City working again." McKay observed as they left the infirmary. He glanced at his watch then looked at Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon. "Anyone fancy some, well, early dinner?"

"I do not feel hungry just now, Rodney." Teyla shook her head.

Realizing that he did not want to be alone with his thoughts, McKay almost whined. "Aw, come on. You need to eat something."

"Well, I could use some tea." Elizabeth agreed.

They were soon sitting around a table in the corner of a sparsely populated mess. Anyone coming in did not approach their table. McKay and Ronon had meals in front of them. Elizabeth and Teyla sipped on mugs of tea.

"Look, I can't help it if I'm hypoglycemic. He's eating, too." McKay pointed his fork at Ronon as he defended his heaping plate of food. He seemingly failed to notice that Ronon was only pushing his food around with a fork.

"Yes, Rodney. We understand." Elizabeth said wearily. "I just said that I wasn't hungry, that's all."

Ronon cleared his throat and looked at the others. His voice was rough. "I'm sorry. I never would have fired on Sheppard if I knew it would do this."

"Ronon, you don't need to apologize." Elizabeth sympathized. She was the last person who could criticize him. Her inability to trade Ladon for Sheppard had directly contributed to the situation. Sheppard's willingness to dismiss her guilt did not mean that she could forgive herself. "John was right, and you did the right thing."

"He did?" McKay nearly choked.

She glared at him then looked back at Ronon. "Yes. There was, and is, a real danger that John could shut down the Gate or Ops, or both."

"Do you think you can bring the City's systems back now?" Teyla asked.

McKay hurriedly swallowed. "Who knows? I still don't understand what Sheppard did or how he was able to do it."

"We know he doesn't need to be in actual contact with the Ancient technology to control it." Elizabeth pointed out.

"Yes, but he usually needs to be in close proximity." McKay explained. "He at least needs to be in the same room. He's been manipulating systems all over Atlantis today, yesterday, whatever. And, the fact that he's been doing it without conscious effort is more than a little frightening."

"Yes, it is." Elizabeth set her mug on the table. Her eyes narrowed in thought. "It's also fascinating that John can affect so much of the City without being in contact with an ATA sensor, or even near one."

McKay dropped his fork and leaned back. "Yeah."

----------

"Carson?" Franks knocked on Beckett's door then poked his head in. Beckett's head was resting on folded arms on his desk. He was sound asleep. Franks winced, not wanting to wake him. He reluctantly shook the sleeping man's shoulder. "Carson."

Beckett jerked awake. He blinked and rubbed his face with both hands. 'Yes? What's wrong?"

"It's Col. Sheppard. You'd better come look at him." Franks backed out of the office as Beckett stood up.

"What is it, Greg?" Beckett rushed past Franks and into Sheppard's room. He was relieved that he had been able to have a naquadah generator assigned to the infirmary for emergency power. "When did this happen?"

Sheppard's eyes were open. They were not focused on anything in the room, but moved restlessly as if he was watching something far away. Beckett passed his hand in front of them. There was no sign of recognition or of Sheppard even noticing it.

"We think just a few minutes ago." Franks went to the other side of the bed. "James was taking vitals and logging them into the computer. He saw Col. Sheppard was awake when he turned back. There's has been no reaction, though."

"Thank you." Beckett nodded. He looked down at Sheppard. "John? Can you hear me?"

He waited a moment, then pulled out his penlight and carefully flicked the light across Sheppard's eyes. Beckett was relieved to see the pupils react, but was disappointed the man did not. The eyes still darted here and there. Beckett wished he knew what was going on inside his friend's mind.

"John?" Beckett firmly rubbed his knuckles up and down Sheppard's sternum, careful to avoid the Wraith's feeding site. There was still no reaction. "Col. Sheppard?"

Beckett straightened. He looked at the EEG readout. It had started with delta waves when they brought him back from the Gate Room hours earlier. Slowly, the waves had changed to theta and alpha to beta. Beckett would have normally expected him to waken with that change, but Sheppard remained unresponsive. Beta waves dominated the record for the last hour.

He stood beside the bed, not knowing what to do next. Several minutes later, Beckett was suddenly aware that Sheppard's breathing was slowing. As he watched, the restless eyes suddenly stopped moving and closed. Beckett looked at the monitors. Everything registered within normal ranges for someone at rest.

----------

"It's the entire City. Only the naquadah generators and Earth-based equipment are working." McKay groaned as he leaned back in the chair. He looked up at Elizabeth. "We can't do anything. We have to reinitialize every Ancient system, and we won't be able to do that until Sheppard stops doing whatever he is doing. If he wakes up."

"Rodney." She frowned at him in the lantern light. "You can't turn anything on?"

"You think I haven't tried?" He put his hand on an ATA sensor to prove the point. Nothing happened. "Oh, this is so not good."

----------

"Bloody hell." Beckett looked around. Something was different. There was a sudden tangible silence and stillness that unsettled him. He checked the monitors then his patient. Nothing was happening that indicated Sheppard was in distress.

The nurse walked in. "Looks like everything is out now, Doctor."

"Thank you, Connie." Beckett tapped his transceiver. "Dr. McKay, this is Beckett. What's going on?"

McKay's exasperated voice responded. "The whole of Atlantis is out, Carson. Everything. What is Sheppard doing?"

"He's asleep, Rodney." Beckett looked at Sheppard as he spoke, worried that the Colonel wasn't just asleep. He glanced at the EEG readout. It indicated near dreamless sleep. Beckett, however, wasn't really sure.

"Well, can you wake him up?" McKay's voice was strained.

"No, Rodney, I cannot." Beckett's weariness translated into impatience. "You, and a good number of the people in Atlantis, have the ATA gene. Don't tell me you can't sort this out."

There was a long silence. "Certainly, it would just be nice to know that he's not going to turn it all off again. If you don't mind, let me know when he wakes up."

"Alright, I'll let you know." Beckett sighed and turned off the vox on his transceiver. He rolled aching shoulders and sat down. After watching Sheppard for several minutes, he picked up the datapad containing his medical file and began to read it again. Perhaps there was something in it to help him understand what was going on.

Halfway through the file, Beckett glanced up to see an increase in the activity on the EEG monitor. The wave frequency quickly moved from delta to theta then beta. Beckett turned to watch Sheppard, expecting him to regain consciousness. When nothing happened, Beckett checked the cardiac monitor and sighed. It indicated little change in heart rate.

----------

McKay sipped from his coffee cup and grimaced. He set the cup down and swallowed. "Can't someone at least get me some hot coffee?"

When no-one reacted, he sighed and turned his attention to the console and laptop in front of him.

Everyone froze when the lights in the Gate Room and Ops began to come up. One by one, the consoles and screens powered up. McKay, Zelenka and several technicians pounced on keyboards and controls, anxious to test system functions. Elizabeth impatiently watched from the edge of Ops.

After several minutes, McKay walked over to her. He was blinking wearily, but grinning. "I don't know how, but all systems appear to be coming back on line. So far, those we've been able to check are functioning normally again."

"Sheppard?" Elizabeth asked.

"Maybe. We'll be testing for days, so…" McKay pointed at the Ops consoles.

Elizabeth nodded. "Okay, set up a work schedule and let people get some rest. Including you. I'm going to the infirmary."

"Elizabeth?" McKay stopped her as she turned to leave. "Let me know how he's doing."

"I will."

----------

Beckett entered Sheppard's room to find Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon waiting with him. "I don't remember saying you could have visitors just yet."

"I distinctly remember you did." Sheppard responded with a straight face.

"Right." Beckett suppressed a smile then became serious. "I want to know precisely what were you thinking, telling Ronon that it was okay for him to shoot you with that damned weapon of his?"

"I thought…"

"Thought what? That was one of the most idiotic bloody stunts I have ever seen!" The Doctor looked away for a moment. "John, it could have easily killed you, and almost did. How did you think it would make Ronon feel if it had?"

Sheppard winced at the tone in Beckett's voice. He looked at Ronon. "Sorry. I guess I wasn't thinking it through, but I couldn't risk shutting the whole place down, Carson."

Beckett relented. "I understand, but it was very wrong of you to ask anyone to do such a thing. And, don't you ever say that I've approved such nonsense again."

Sheppard was suitably apologetic. "Okay."

"What's the verdict?" Elizabeth asked, wanting to change the subject.

"Well, as we thought, the levels of the enzyme, protein and the chemical are significantly lower. Everything seems to be returning to normal." Beckett held his hand up before they could celebrate. "We still don't know if there will be any lasting effects, so don't…"

Sheppard interrupted him. "Doc, I haven't had any episodes for hours. The headache's just about gone, too. I feel fine."

"That's all well and good, but you're going to stay here for another twenty-four hours so that I can be sure." Beckett folded his arms over his chest. "On that note, you need to get some real sleep. We all do."

"I'd like to know something before we go." Elizabeth looked at Beckett, who nodded. She turned to Sheppard. "If you don't mind my asking, what happened that you were able to reverse the shut down? What were you remembering?"

Sheppard frowned and bit his lip. "I don't know. It wasn't…my…memory. It was something that happened here, in Atlantis, but it wasn't me or any of us."

"Maybe it was just a dream or even a hallucination." Beckett suggested. "You'd been awake for more than two days and under enormous stress."

The Colonel shrugged. "I don't think so. It was just as vivid and realistic as any of the memories. It just wasn't one of mine."

The End

Footnote: I've been wanting to do backstory on Sheppard for some time. I'm hoping my attempt at it offers a reasonable insight of how he became who he is.


End file.
